Dysalexic

So here’s where I’m at right now. It’s not a good spot. It’s not comforting.

I dont like this situation at all. I dont want it. But because of differences of opinion it seems like the only feasible solution. Underneath this entirely calm facade I’ve got this feeling of fear. It feels like I’ve lost this huge part of me.. and in fact I have. Zivi was the one who essentially pulled me together, regardless of how together he feels that I am, from last year. I will always be grateful toward him for that. I’m losing my best friend though. And that’s the way it has to be. Because I can’t go on being a friend when everytime I see him or hear his voice it brings about an ache. Friends don’t want eachother. They can love eachother, but not the way that I love him.

It’s made harder by the fact that whenever I tried to talk to somebody today they were all like “well it’s okay because you guys will be back together,” and I can’t convince anyone that we won’t. It hurts because, I mean.. what the heck. We can’t come to a conclusion between the two of us about how our relationship is supposed to function. So how can we get back together?

Bleh. I just want to sleep. I got about 2 hours of it last night. I’m going to have to call Patrick and cancel our lunch today because I’m too tired and mopey to go anywhere.