you thought the core was a rind.
There are days when I wake up and just have decided that everyone is going to abandon me. It’s scary, because I know it’s not true and I’m trying so hard to work through it, but it’s there, regardless. I want to be able to have relationships and friendships without worrying every two seconds if I’ve said the wrong thing or I’m not good enough to exist in their lives anymore. I seriously have begun to wonder if I have Social Anxiety Disorder. I walk into the cafeteria and automatically feel eyes on me. I feel people’s hate, even if it is imagined. I just wish sometimes that I could hear what people think, so I am not constantly worrying about what I am doing.
I sound so pathetic, but seriously, this is what it’s been like this school year. I think it’s one of those things, where you move away from everyone you’ve known since you were 3 and suddenly don’t know how to define yourself. I mean, I always said that after my junior year no one knew who I was anymore. I think that to an extent that was true, but then there were parts of me that I think I have lost, that only they can help remind me of. I miss Clare. I miss Lucy. I miss people who came around later in my life; Aaron, Caitlin, Heidi, Seth.
Kyle was talking to me yesterday about how he feels really uncomfortable because he feels like he has lost touch with everyone who was important to him. He was telling me about how his best friend got engaged and he hadn’t even know that the relationship she was in was that serious. I guess to an extent I am in the same position. I have no idea what is going on in the lives of the people that were once closest to me. I’m so overdramatically self-indulgent lately. Why am I sad. Why am I happy. Why don’t I just do everything possible to take care of my every need and not worry about reaching out or trying to help anyone else out. It’s ridiculous.
Overall, I’m just glad the summer is here. I feel like I need to start over. I’m glad that I’m going to have a wonderful person by my side who is slowly just allowing me to trust him. Coaxing me into it. I am so grateful to him right now; I don’t know how this semester would have played out without him. He’s my sidekick.
I sure hope I do see everyone from school this summer though. I have met some people and strengthened some relationships that I don’t want to lose. I think we all need a break right now, but I’m looking forward to coming back in the fall, fresh and ready to throw myself into my friendships again.